God did not call us to be better than our neighbors; He called us to be perfect. Don't misunderstand; He doesn't expect us to be perfect. No, He just wants us to admit that we aren't and we cannot be in His presence without His grace - no matter how good we think we are.

What do we do instead? What have I caught MYSELF doing? I rest on my "good deed" laurels or my so-called pious living. My life is not THAT pious and my very best "righteous cloak" is a mere filthy rag to God.

Jesus told a story to some who were complacently pleased with themselves over their moral performance and looked down their noses at the common people:

"Two men went up to the Temple to pray, one a Pharisee, the other a tax man. The Pharisee posed and prayed like this: 'Oh, God, I thank you that I am not like other people--robbers, crooks, adulterers, or, heaven forbid, like this tax man over here. I fast twice a week and tithe on all my income.'

Meanwhile the tax man, slumped in the shadows, his face in his hands, not daring to look up, said, 'God, give mercy. Forgive me, a sinner.'"

Jesus commented, "The tax man, not the Pharisee, went home made right with God. If you walk around with your nose in the air, you're going to end up flat on your face, but if you're willing to accept who you are AND God's grace, you will become more than you are."

(Edited from The Message [a Bible paraphrase])

I have known that story for years. I have believed that I understood it and lived it. I guess I will always struggle to grasp it because here I am in another fight with myself over it.

"Several years ago Dr. (Billy) Graham was interviewed on PrimeTime Live. He was sitting somberly in a chair when the last question came his way: "What do you want people to say about you when you're gone?" His response took many by surprise. "I don't want people to say anything about me. I want them to talk about my Savior. The only thing I want to hear is Jesus saying, 'Well done, my good and faithful servant.'" Then he bowed his head and said softly, "But I'm not sure I'm going to hear that." It was a rare but honest look into the true nature of Billy Graham's heart. In spite of all he's done for the work of the Kingdom, he still sees himself unworthy of God's commendation"

(from Embracing Eternity by Tim LaHaye, Jerry B. Jenkins and Frank M. Martin)

I should be so humble. So what are my sins? They are too many to list. One obvious one is having the impudence to think that anything I write here should be considered important enough to post to the public. Such audacity! I harbor a lot of things in my heart that I can't seem to purge. I have a friend that always talks about his son. I hate his son's name. It is too pansy for me. If I could just have an opinion and desert it, it would be okay. However, it is everything I can do to NOT say something about it. Why!?! Only by the grace of God have I not hurt my friend with this nonsense.

My wife was in a depressed mood today. Although I presented myself as sympathetic, my wretchedness was making a speech to my psyche, "How dare her be in this mood now!? She has used up all the rights for her depression by now. You deserve peace, not this wife-manufactured hardship!"

Oh, wretched self.

These are just examples. Thoughts like this permeate my day - every day. Oh, wretched self!

All I can do is confess it and hand it over to the One that can handle it. Yet, I struggle to do that sometimes. One thing that haunts me is hearing from someone, "That's not fair!" Of course whatever the matter is unfair. We live in an unfair world where we don't often get what we deserve.

Thank God we don't, though, and thank God that we have grace.