and I are having a discussion concerning the "Separate Worlds" theory I incorporate in my blogging practice. It comes from "The Interview" post I recently made.
Interview question that started this discussion was:
1. Is your wife aware of the degree to which you blog about your relationship? If so, her reaction?
My answer was,
"My wife, to my knowledge, is not even aware that I have a blog, much less a blog that reveals aspects of our relationship. I am a firm believer of the “separate worlds” theory as perceived by George on Seinfeld. We all need a place where we can be real, a place that is a sanctuary from those closest to us. If my wife started reading my blog and became familiar with those who regularly read and comment on it, 'Independent Jeff' would cease to exist.
No one in my real life knows about or has read my blog, so it is not just about hiding things from my wife. However, I do try to protect the most sensitive of details and people that I mention in my blog by keeping them somewhat anonymous"
Danny Kaye questioned this answer and wondered if I thought it would stack up against Scripture.
This is how I clarified this question, "I don't really think there is a conflict - not by the way I am thinking about the concept, anyway. I guess I can see the conflict from an outsiders point of view.
We all have thoughts and opinions and ways to work out problems in our lives through words and processses. It is not imperative for those that are involved in those conflicts and things to be aware of every thought in my head. Some couldn't handle it. Some would be hurt by it. For some things I may choose to write about, people in my life may spread it like gossip or try to use it against me or someone else to hurt them.
This way, I and the people in my life do not have to deal with it. I can still use my blog to process those things and get objective feedback. Where is the conflict?"
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I included this extensive background to this question in order that some detail doesn't get lost in the string. Danny Kaye gave a very long and well thought out response. I will include his remarks in "blue" and my thoughts in regular type.
I guess I hear what you are saying, Jeff. Here are my thoughts if you want them.
Absolutely. Thanks for your input. I appreciate the thought and time you put into your answer - the caring of a brother. Thank you.
I can agree with almost everything you stated below. I think you view my blog as something fundementally different than how I view it. I will try to address what you are saying in detail.
First, a husband and wife are "one flesh" according to Genesis 2:24 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."
There is a unity that exists in marriage (and especially a Christian marriage) that surpasses anything else this world has to offer. A husband and wife are "one." When we got married, we made the decision to let go of our independent ways and cleave to another person.
I agree with this entirely. There is a lot going on that I don't put in my blogs. These things would put more clarity on this issue. However, there are some deeper and personal things that I will not even put in my blog. However, these omissions do not preclude what I use my blog for at times, which is to process my thoughts - whether anyone reads them or not.
In the best of marriages, I do not share EVERY thought with my wife that pops in my head. I do not audibly let her know the wheels and cogs that turn inside my head. I would guess no one does. It wouldn't be prudent.
Second, according to Genesis 2:18, God gave us our wives so that they can help us. "The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."
You will find no better way of drawing near to your wife than by sharing your heart with her. She is your helper, given by God and accepted by you. Don't deprive her of doing what God created her to do.
I agree with this whole-heartedly. As a matter of fact, it breaks my heart that I agree with this so much. Right now, for reasons I cannot fully explain in this forum, this isn't possible. However, even if it was possible, I would still independently process my life, have independent thoughts. Some of those thoughts wouldn't be useful and could be hurtful for others that know me to see. The beauty is that they don't have to see it. They are my PERSONAL thoughts. The obvious question, I know, if they are so personal, why put it on a public blog? I guess the clear answer is that it doesn't feel public. It WOULD feel public if the people that were in my life read it.
And consider how she would feel if all of a sudden she found that the man she thought she knew, the man who agreed on their wedding day to be "one" with her, had thoughts and feelings she never knew about, yet he was willing to share them with the rest of the world. Imagine the insecurity she would feel about that. She might begin to question whether or not she really knows you.
Understood. However, my life is somewhat anonymous here. To say that I am sharing my thoughts with the rest of the world, the rest of the world would have to know who I am. I could offer a challenge that everyone that reads my blogs should send me a card in the mail. Please include my first and last name on the envelope and make sure you get my address right. If you like, call my cell, too. I am not saying it is impossible. There are investigative things that people could do, I guess, but for the most part. I am one of thousands of Jeffs that live in my part of Indiana. That, to me, is anonymous enough. Therefore, I see my blogs similar to my wife's own diary - that I don't read.
Third, Jesus would not have encouraged the guys to share their hearts with everyone else in the world, but not with each other. I can think of no situation in which Jesus told them to do that. Yet I find a plethora of passages that speak of the unity among the brotherhood.
Again, this is akin to my diary. I don't think it applies.
Ephes. 4:2-6 teaches us to be "completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit--just as you were called to one hope when you were called--one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all."
If unity is lacking, it really should be restored through humility and an intense longing for the "one-ness" described in that passage.
You are right and trust me, I am not negligent in trying to make my marriage all it should be.
Is there no one in your life with whom you could confide, and in whom you could trust? Surely there is someone. One thing is for sure, if you aren't getting outside input from the those who know you personally, then the only pool of wisdom from which you are drawing is your own and strangers you might meet out here. And let's face it, we don't know you from Adam's housecat! And yes, prayer is essential. But the Lord gave us the Church so that we could bear our souls with one another (Col. 3:13). Use Mat. 18:15-16 as a guide to help restore unity.
Yes, there are people that I confide in. One friend has helped me immensely. However, he doesn't read my blog nor would he read my diary if I kept one in the traditional way. These are my thoughts - a visual representation of the workings of my mind. We all censor are thoughts before we share them with the people around us. Every time you see a beautiful woman walking along, do you tell your wife EXACTLY what crossed your mind? It wouldn't have to be lustful, but if I mentioned another woman's beauty to my wife, she would be sour for the rest of the day. So, I censor my thoughts in real life and even to a lesser extent, on this blog. I do not look for wisdom among my readers. If someone gives me something helpful, it is gravy, not the potatoes. When they offer encouraging words to me, it is great, but it isn't what sustains me. It is just a bonus for keeping this kind of diary.
Would you not be willing to sit and be a pair of open ears and a closed mouth for a brother who needed to get something off his chest, whether or not it involved you? Of course you would. And others would do the same for you, I'm sure.
Yes, and they do.
I dunno. I know I got kinda preachy there. But if you are bearing your heart out here, and this is the pool of wisdom from which you have chosen to draw, then I will freely, gladly, and eagerly offer you whatever wisdom and insights the Lord has past on to me.
Thank you so much. I know you would and that is one more blessing I get from my blog world. You find kinship in the most unexpected places. It doesn't replace my real life, but it is a nice amendum to a diary.