12 Comments
Published by Jeff
on Wednesday, August 01, 2007 at 3:12 PM. 
Danny Kaye from Nothing Important To .US and I are having a discussion concerning the "Separate Worlds" theory I incorporate in my blogging practice. It comes from "The Interview" post I recently made.
Danny Kaye from Nothing Important To .US and I are having a discussion concerning the "Separate Worlds" theory I incorporate in my blogging practice. It comes from "The Interview" post I recently made. Interview question that started this discussion was:
1. Is your wife aware of the degree to which you blog about your relationship? If so, her reaction?
My answer was, "My wife, to my knowledge, is not even aware that I have a blog, much less a blog that reveals aspects of our relationship. I am a firm believer of the “separate worlds” theory as perceived by George on Seinfeld. We all need a place where we can be real, a place that is a sanctuary from those closest to us. If my wife started reading my blog and became familiar with those who regularly read and comment on it, 'Independent Jeff' would cease to exist.
No one in my real life knows about or has read my blog, so it is not just about hiding things from my wife. However, I do try to protect the most sensitive of details and people that I mention in my blog by keeping them somewhat anonymous"
Danny Kaye questioned this answer and wondered if I thought it would stack up against Scripture.
This is how I clarified this question, "I don't really think there is a conflict - not by the way I am thinking about the concept, anyway. I guess I can see the conflict from an outsiders point of view.
We all have thoughts and opinions and ways to work out problems in our lives through words and processses. It is not imperative for those that are involved in those conflicts and things to be aware of every thought in my head. Some couldn't handle it. Some would be hurt by it. For some things I may choose to write about, people in my life may spread it like gossip or try to use it against me or someone else to hurt them.
This way, I and the people in my life do not have to deal with it. I can still use my blog to process those things and get objective feedback. Where is the conflict?"
___________________________________________________________________
I included this extensive background to this question in order that some detail doesn't get lost in the string. Danny Kaye gave a very long and well thought out response. I will include his remarks in "blue" and my thoughts in regular type.
I guess I hear what you are saying, Jeff. Here are my thoughts if you want them.
Absolutely. Thanks for your input. I appreciate the thought and time you put into your answer - the caring of a brother. Thank you.
I can agree with almost everything you stated below. I think you view my blog as something fundementally different than how I view it. I will try to address what you are saying in detail.
First, a husband and wife are "one flesh" according to Genesis 2:24 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."
There is a unity that exists in marriage (and especially a Christian marriage) that surpasses anything else this world has to offer. A husband and wife are "one." When we got married, we made the decision to let go of our independent ways and cleave to another person.
I agree with this entirely. There is a lot going on that I don't put in my blogs. These things would put more clarity on this issue. However, there are some deeper and personal things that I will not even put in my blog. However, these omissions do not preclude what I use my blog for at times, which is to process my thoughts - whether anyone reads them or not.
In the best of marriages, I do not share EVERY thought with my wife that pops in my head. I do not audibly let her know the wheels and cogs that turn inside my head. I would guess no one does. It wouldn't be prudent.
Second, according to Genesis 2:18, God gave us our wives so that they can help us. "The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."
You will find no better way of drawing near to your wife than by sharing your heart with her. She is your helper, given by God and accepted by you. Don't deprive her of doing what God created her to do.
I agree with this whole-heartedly. As a matter of fact, it breaks my heart that I agree with this so much. Right now, for reasons I cannot fully explain in this forum, this isn't possible. However, even if it was possible, I would still independently process my life, have independent thoughts. Some of those thoughts wouldn't be useful and could be hurtful for others that know me to see. The beauty is that they don't have to see it. They are my PERSONAL thoughts. The obvious question, I know, if they are so personal, why put it on a public blog? I guess the clear answer is that it doesn't feel public. It WOULD feel public if the people that were in my life read it.
And consider how she would feel if all of a sudden she found that the man she thought she knew, the man who agreed on their wedding day to be "one" with her, had thoughts and feelings she never knew about, yet he was willing to share them with the rest of the world. Imagine the insecurity she would feel about that. She might begin to question whether or not she really knows you.
Understood. However, my life is somewhat anonymous here. To say that I am sharing my thoughts with the rest of the world, the rest of the world would have to know who I am. I could offer a challenge that everyone that reads my blogs should send me a card in the mail. Please include my first and last name on the envelope and make sure you get my address right. If you like, call my cell, too. I am not saying it is impossible. There are investigative things that people could do, I guess, but for the most part. I am one of thousands of Jeffs that live in my part of Indiana. That, to me, is anonymous enough. Therefore, I see my blogs similar to my wife's own diary - that I don't read.
Third, Jesus would not have encouraged the guys to share their hearts with everyone else in the world, but not with each other. I can think of no situation in which Jesus told them to do that. Yet I find a plethora of passages that speak of the unity among the brotherhood.
Again, this is akin to my diary. I don't think it applies.
Ephes. 4:2-6 teaches us to be "completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit--just as you were called to one hope when you were called--one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all."
If unity is lacking, it really should be restored through humility and an intense longing for the "one-ness" described in that passage.
You are right and trust me, I am not negligent in trying to make my marriage all it should be.
Is there no one in your life with whom you could confide, and in whom you could trust? Surely there is someone. One thing is for sure, if you aren't getting outside input from the those who know you personally, then the only pool of wisdom from which you are drawing is your own and strangers you might meet out here. And let's face it, we don't know you from Adam's housecat! And yes, prayer is essential. But the Lord gave us the Church so that we could bear our souls with one another (Col. 3:13). Use Mat. 18:15-16 as a guide to help restore unity.
Yes, there are people that I confide in. One friend has helped me immensely. However, he doesn't read my blog nor would he read my diary if I kept one in the traditional way. These are my thoughts - a visual representation of the workings of my mind. We all censor are thoughts before we share them with the people around us. Every time you see a beautiful woman walking along, do you tell your wife EXACTLY what crossed your mind? It wouldn't have to be lustful, but if I mentioned another woman's beauty to my wife, she would be sour for the rest of the day. So, I censor my thoughts in real life and even to a lesser extent, on this blog. I do not look for wisdom among my readers. If someone gives me something helpful, it is gravy, not the potatoes. When they offer encouraging words to me, it is great, but it isn't what sustains me. It is just a bonus for keeping this kind of diary.
Would you not be willing to sit and be a pair of open ears and a closed mouth for a brother who needed to get something off his chest, whether or not it involved you? Of course you would. And others would do the same for you, I'm sure.
Yes, and they do.
I dunno. I know I got kinda preachy there. But if you are bearing your heart out here, and this is the pool of wisdom from which you have chosen to draw, then I will freely, gladly, and eagerly offer you whatever wisdom and insights the Lord has past on to me.
Thank you so much. I know you would and that is one more blessing I get from my blog world. You find kinship in the most unexpected places. It doesn't replace my real life, but it is a nice amendum to a diary.
Labels: blog, christian living
Wow. He sure took the time to tell you how he feels about this and I am not saying that in a negative way at all.
Truthfully, I bet most of your readers were surprised about the fact that your wife doesn't read the blog.
But in essence, you 'admitting' that, means you weren't hiding that fact to begin with.
I see that there are things going on that plague you about the relationship with your wife, be they major or minor.
They do not matter here. Those are your private things. It doesn't change the Jeff we've grown fond over the last few months.
You're right when you say it's a public blog, but it FEELS private because those around you don't know it exists. That is what is safe about it. That's why you can say ANYTHING you want to and it's okay.
In another blog I read, a woman has admitted being in love with a married man. I'm sure in real life she hasn't told anyone...but in blogland, she's free to be who she is.
I am not comparing these two scenarios, I'm simply saying that I agree with this diary being composed of your private thoughts, and as such do not need explaining.
You know what you are doing.
We're just along for the ride.
Michelle
I really appreciate your humility in accepting the input from a guy who you've never met. And I also appreciate that you didn't take the input lightly.
I do trust that you are doing what you believe is best for your life's situation. And I will also trust that there are circumstances in your life that, if you were to reveal them here, would make your reasons a little more clear. And I will trust that you are a good husband, and a good friend to those in your life.
But is it ok if I still disagree with this line of thinking? ;-)
I don't actually know how to respond, exactly. I mean, I know you FEEL like this is private, but that really doesn't change the fact that everyone else in the world knows your thoughts except those who are supposed to be the closest to you. I mean, it still seems like it would be a very awkward situation for you to try to explain your reasons for hiding this to your wife, should she find out about your site.
Could you not accomplish the same thing in a diary or a journal? Don't get me wrong. I am a blogger and I love it. I am not even remotely suggesting that you stop blogging. But could you not put into a private journal or a diary the types of things that you don't want others in your life to know about? (One brother here in NH has his in a password protected word document.) You would then be able to include those you love in on this great digital tool.
Now, if you will allow me to make one more suggestion...
If you REALLY don't want people to be able to trace this back to you, you may want to remove that picture of you being interviewed. It's kind of a dead giveaway.
Just a thought.
Honesty.. tricky thing! A close friend recently pointed out to me that the folk who demand total honesty rarely are so happy when they hear it.
I'd say a blog is like a diary - very personal and who you choose to show it to is up to you. Plus everyone needs space to "vent" - a friend, a minister, a therapist, a spouse..
BTW - you're braver than I am. I'd never volunteer to be interviewed!
OneFullHouse: Yes, I appreciate that he took the time and effort to address this with me. That is interesting how you worded it; that I am putting down my private, personal thoughts and strangers that happen along are just going along for the ride. Very accurate.
Michelle: Thanks. I see it that way too, for now.
Danny Kaye: I really appreciate you, brother, for taking the time to be concerned about my walk. I don't take it lightly. I think we all should examine ourselves constantly because it is so easy to drift away from the path - even ever so slightly.
I welcome your disagreement. It will keep me accountable as I continue to consider and pray over this.
I know that technically, anyone could read these blogs. However, even if anyone in my life knew I had a blog and wanted to read it, I don't think they could find it. Those that have found it, found it either because of some content that interested them, or that they were curious about what feedback I gave them. In some cases, it is like an AA meeting. Anonymous.
It is possible that I could accomplish the same thing with a private diary. I just don't think I would be faithful to it. I get some degree of accountability (ironic I know) from a few fellow anonymous people out there. In addition, people like you would not be able to get me to turn to God about issues that I didn't previously even consider spiritual issues. That would be tragic.
I do think that in some instances, keeping a blog like this could be considered missing the mark in a marriage. For example, I don't think you should do it.
In Romans 14:14, Paul addresses this type of thing when talking about what is clean or unclean. For God, none of it (in Paul's example, meat) is unclean. But if one thinks it is unclean, it IS unclean to that person and he should abstain from it.
For me, this type of blog practice is clean. However, I promise that I will continue to pray about it and examine myself and my motives.
For your final point, that picture isn't me. LOL I just found it on the Internet and thought it was appropriate for the post. :) Thanks for caring, though.
"For your final point, that picture isn't me."
[insert MontyPythonJohnCleeseVoice]
Oh...I see...very well then...nothing to see here folks. Please move along now...
[/insert]
"addition, people like you would not be able to get me to turn to God about issues that I didn't previously even consider spiritual issues."
"I promise that I will continue to pray about it and examine myself and my motives"
That's all I can ask. On that note, I'll put my thoughts to rest
on this subject (unless you feel you need to discuss it further).
I'll look forward to your future posts. But if I throw out an occasional "Ummm...does your spousal unit know about that?", don't be offended, ok?
Danny Kaye: Love the Monty Python reference. :)
Please feel free to call me on anything. I always welcome opportunities to be held accountable. Thanks so much for your input. I welcome it whole-heartedly.
Interesting.
Personally I don't share everything I have (especially thought) with my husband, just like I don't share my shirt with him. My diary is written in bloody Chinese so he can't read, despite I have nothing to hide from him.
Nevertheless I'm united with him in every way though.
I'm with TRMH. With all due respect to DK, the whole time I was reading his criticisms, the thought running through my head was 'bollocks!'
Unity in marriage does not demand that we cease to be an individual. And thank goodness, because two individuals working in unity can achieve a much more powerful and beautiful relationship than two people who have abandoned the individuality God gave them in order to be merely one half of something. (Incidentally, as we clearly do not literally become one flesh, I've always assumed that 'becoming one flesh' referred to sex and procreation, both of belong in marital relationships, not some kind of melding of selves.)
You are entitled to your private thoughts, and I can understand why an anonymous blog is more attractive than a diary, even though in some ways they are the same. A diary can't give you feedback, insight, etc.
I also find that sometimes in a relationship that I can relate to the other person better if I first have the chance to sort out my thoughts, or sound out ideas to someone not so close to the situation. If your wife ever does find out about the blog, I hope that instead of feeling that she doesn't know you, she'll instead realise that she herself has some part of her that she keeps to herself. We all do, whether we write about it or not.
The only thing I think is important is for you to remember is that whether or not people you know in real life read the blog, you are still responsible for what you write in it. If the anonymity leads you to be disloyal to your wife, then the blog may become something that pushes you apart, even if you never intended it to be.
Chosha,
I appreciate your thoughts, though I obviously disagree with them. And this is not an attempt at changing your mind. I just felt the need to address a couple of your points.
I don't believe I ever said that we literally become one flesh. Nor do I believe I said anything about not keeping private thoughts...well...private. Of COURSE we're supposed to be two separate individuals! When I say that we become one I am referring to the same "oneness" that the Church shares with Jesus. There are plenty of Scriptures equating the Church with marriage to back this up. This oneness exists at the soul level and is the dominant reason the Lord can't stand divorce. (You might compare divorce to Horcruxes if you wish; the tearing apart of a soul.) ;-)
And when I say that we let go of our independent ways, I don't mean we stop being who God made us and be duplicates of our spouses. I am saying that we agreed to be unified with one another on a soul-to-soul, heart-to-heart level. But if we are sharing and bearing our hearts and souls with literally the entire world, yet keep it from our spouse, this seems to indicate a desire to be "out on our own" again.
My most sincere concern about this whole issue is that a husband is keeping a secret from his wife but is sharing it with total strangers.
Uh oh, I thought we had some kind of understanding here, but apparently not as much as I thought.
The whole issue is what is in the heart of the husband. I don't believe, nor is it in my heart, that I am keeping secrets from my wife, but sharing them with the whole world.
For one thing, since my wife is part of the "whole world" then I must be sharing whatever with her.
Instead, I am processing my thoughts by myself. I do not do this for anyone's benefit but my own. I don't tailor my marriage thoughts for any particular person or group. Who ever happens by and wants to comment can. I don't go around asking bloggers to come and read about my marriage and offer advice. Whatever happens, happens spontaneously.
Because of that, I don't believe that there is anything wrong with keeping a diary of sorts with the risk of other people finding it.
Sin is in the heart that manifests itself in the body. My heart is pure in this area. I am open to the conviction of the Holy Spirit. So far I have peace about my blogs.
It's fine, Jeff. No breach of understanding...I would not have brought it back except Chosha discussed it further. I felt I needed to address her. I know you and I don't agree on this and that's fine.
"The whole issue is what is in the heart of the husband. I don't believe, nor is it in my heart, that I am keeping secrets from my wife"
We could argue that point until we're blue in the fingertips, but I said I'd keep my digital yap shut about it and trust that you would do what you believed is right; and so I will go on trusting you.